Welcome to my tiny portion of the world. Reading through this will give you some insight to my life and what happiness really is to me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Brag Update

As far as updates go, there isn't much to report.

I do have an upcoming appointment (July 15th) at the cancer clinic with my oncologist, Dr. Ernst. Whom by the way, I just adore. He is such a fantastic doctor. Him and his back up, Dr. Shearer (spelling?). They're both amazing.

I can never get over the people I come in contact with at the cancer clinic. The nurses, receptionists, the custodians, every single one of them, are all so incredible. Everyone seems to come to work with such a happy and positive attitude. They all make me aspire to be more like them.

To be honest, I've been to many therapists and psychiatrists throughout my life, but the only ones I've met who actually try to understand me and my problems properly are the ones at the clinic. I even have a social worker there who I can't say enough about.  She has done more for me in the last 2 years than many people in my life have done in the last 26.

These are all the most inspiring people I've ever known and rather than dreading appointments at the cancer clinic, I look forward to it. Sometimes I even make excuses to go there just so I can pop in and say hello. Mind you, I am also the same person who loves my dentist (but really.. he is fan-fucking-tastic). I encourage anyone who doesn't like dentists in the slightest to go see mine, and I am 100% sure he will change your mind for life (ask my husband).

So there you have it. That's my update. Work is great, kids are wonderful (actually, even more than wonderful) and my husband is just so great. I know I'm totally bragging, but I've gotta say, there isn't a lot of time in my life where I've been able to brag and be totally justified in it! :)

Today, I am totally happily ever after! :)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Sometimes We Forget

Sometimes we forget the small things that make us happy.
Sometimes we forget that there really are people out there who care about us.
Sometimes we forget to appreciate the things in our life that make us happy.
Sometimes we forget to say "I love you!", "I missed you!" or "Thank you!".

Sometimes we forget that we aren't the only ones in the world with problems.
Sometimes we forget to make someones day a little brighter by just smiling at a stranger.
Sometimes we forget that being rude to someone else isn't going to make us feel better.
Sometimes we forget that life is constantly going to change.

Sometimes we forget to keep thinking positively.

We should always remember. Be happy. Think positively. Things will always get better if you try.


Quick Update

Things are going quite well for the most part. Financially we are in a bind, but I know we will get through it.

I've been working retail instead of a call center which is much easier on the emotions. I've been excelling at my new job which has been a great boost to the self-esteem which is giving me more hours, but am still part time which is perfect.

I've been put on an anti-depressant that should be helpful since I wasn't able to pull myself out of my post-chemo depression. I still have very little energy, but it does seem to be increasing slightly as the days go by.

I'm enjoying my walks to work and my days off with the kiddos. They really make my days brighter.

Once everything gets really back in order (I hate to brag but...) I will have the perfect little life. Though, my husband will disagree until we move back out to the mountains. He has a countdown on our kitchen whiteboard and apparently we are moving either to Calgary or Invermere in 331 days.

I still say we need more equity on the house, but he says it would be more lucrative for him to be working out west. I think it would just be better for him mentally as he misses the lifestyle out there more than anything. We shall see what the future holds.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

New Job. New Life.

I started working at a call center as a billing and technical support for satalitte users. It defintiely was NOT for me. It was super high pressure and super stress. I was feeling tired and overwhelmed all. the. time. The bus ride there was 1.5 hours. My schedule was set to Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Wednesday 9am- 8pm. I would have left in the morning at 7:30am and got home at 9:30pm. I would have NEVER seen my husband and almost never seen my kiddos to bed.

So, I started working at a kitchenware store at the mall down the street. Its been pretty good. Its about a 15 minute walk away and I only get a few shifts a week. I get fatigued by even just brushing my teeth. So hopefully this job is better for me. The pay is the same too, so that helps.

Not a lot of information, I know. But I will have more to update later! :-)


Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Tonight I've had a few glasses of French Cross Shiraz. Its not good. Well, it doesn't taste good, but boy oh boy it sure feels good. Its like a giant ball of tension and stress has been loosened up and it feels better than a sixty minute back rub.

I'm not looking forward to the morning because I will have to wake up with the girls early and be on my A game all day when I know that after a few glasses of wine I will have a head ache that lasts me 400 hours. I'll just stock up on water, coffee and aspirin as soon as I get up.

Its Thursday, so maybe I will take the girls to the OEYC playgroup at the church at 9:30.. fresh air might be a good thing tomorrow.

And yes, I know that drinking wine does not contribute to a healthy physical lifestyle but whatever. One night out of 100 is ok once in a while. Yes?

Busy life = Happy life?

After lots of self-analysis, I've decided that my type of depression/anxiety is curable without medication. I mean, I'm sure I could take some magic pill (can anyone say Prozac?) that might change things and make life a little bit easier, but why take a pill when it is a lifestyle change I know that I need?

So, I am going to be putting my energy - the little bit that I have - into making myself happier and healthier. It will be tough because for the last year with treatment, my body has been acting as though its fighting off the flu so a lot has been taken out of me. But I figure that the sooner I TRY to feel better, the sooner I WILL feel better.

We all know that eating well, staying hydrated, getting enough sleep, sunlight and exercise is the best way to maintain yourself physically, but we often forget that those factors are also a huge part of your mental well-being. To add to the list, I am going to start reading more, blogging more, getting out with the kids more and cooking dinner more often. Yes, money can be a factor in what we do or what we're capable of doing, but I am going to compile a list of daily activities to do for a week on little to no money.

I'm going to jam as much as I can into the next two weeks so that when I start my new job I will hopefully feel happier and more energetic. Or, I might feel tired and ready for a break. Who knows.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

The Post-Treatment Blues

So here I am. Just over a week post-treatment. I am starting to feel better but still have some residual side effects such as depression, fatigue and anxiety.

After going through this treatment (Interferon - IV for 4 weeks straight at 36 million units) at the cancer clinic, then self injections for 11 months (only 3 times a week) at home, I (in a very twisted way) feel like it had really become a part of my life. And though I'm so enthusiastic about it being done and over with, there is a small (EXTREMELY small) part of me that feels like I just lost part of myself.

Believe me, I do NOT want to feel this way. But it really just became so routine. Its like it gave me an excuse to have a crappy day and ask for help and now that I'm done, I'm supposed to feel better and feel like myself again and resume myself totally 100% now that I am not doing these shots.

After going through this treatment, I've learned that it has only improved my survival rate by 15% and has increased my chances of complete remission by only 5%. A huge part of me feels like the last year has been a waste. I know that 15% and 5% is better than 0% - so I should just get those numbers out of my head. Because that is just what they are - numbers. There is nothing I can do about the choice I made to do the treatments. All I can do is move on with my life and look at it as a life lesson that really has taught me a lot over the year.

I know my attitude has changed drastically over the course of this blog. But it really isn't that my outlook has changed, its that I am now being honest with myself.

NO! I won't be happy and positive and perky 100% of the time. I started this blog to share my journey and in doing so I just have to admit that I am human. I feel stressed and scared. I feel worried and anxious. But there is one thing that won't change - I am not scared of death. If the cancer eats away at my body, if it comes back and makes me even more sick, I know that life will carry on and though my family would miss me, they would eventually accept it. I'm not saying in the slightest that I WANT to die. I'm just saying that I know its a reality and I am willing to face that.

In the mean time, I will TRY to be happy, positive and perky. I will try to live life the way I want. I will enjoy my kids, my husband, my friends and the rest of my family with the same attitude I always have. Now that treatment is over with it will likely be a lot easier.

In other news, I am back to work at the end of the month. Its a job that I don't really want at a call center for Rogers (ya... I hate those people too and now I am going to be one of them LOL). But I think it will be a nice change for me. I really am looking forward to getting out of the house and meeting new people and getting back to a regular schedule. I know that a job is what you make of it, so I am going to start prepping myself and make myself feel like this IS the job I want and it can lead me to something greater.

Also, I had my jury duty date changed, so now I will be going in next Monday and it should be an interesting day. I hear the selection is a long and boring process and I should bring some books. I went to the library and checked out "Buddha Mom: The Path of Mindful Mothering" by Jacqueline Kramer. I have no idea if its any good so I will start reading it this week. It looks interesting though.

Anywho, off to feed the kiddos and maybe go play in the snow.