So here I am. Just over a week post-treatment. I am starting to feel better but still have some residual side effects such as depression, fatigue and anxiety.
After going through this treatment (Interferon - IV for 4 weeks straight at 36 million units) at the cancer clinic, then self injections for 11 months (only 3 times a week) at home, I (in a very twisted way) feel like it had really become a part of my life. And though I'm so enthusiastic about it being done and over with, there is a small (EXTREMELY small) part of me that feels like I just lost part of myself.
Believe me, I do NOT want to feel this way. But it really just became so routine. Its like it gave me an excuse to have a crappy day and ask for help and now that I'm done, I'm supposed to feel better and feel like myself again and resume myself totally 100% now that I am not doing these shots.
After going through this treatment, I've learned that it has only improved my survival rate by 15% and has increased my chances of complete remission by only 5%. A huge part of me feels like the last year has been a waste. I know that 15% and 5% is better than 0% - so I should just get those numbers out of my head. Because that is just what they are - numbers. There is nothing I can do about the choice I made to do the treatments. All I can do is move on with my life and look at it as a life lesson that really has taught me a lot over the year.
I know my attitude has changed drastically over the course of this blog. But it really isn't that my outlook has changed, its that I am now being honest with myself.
NO! I won't be happy and positive and perky 100% of the time. I started this blog to share my journey and in doing so I just have to admit that I am human. I feel stressed and scared. I feel worried and anxious. But there is one thing that won't change - I am not scared of death. If the cancer eats away at my body, if it comes back and makes me even more sick, I know that life will carry on and though my family would miss me, they would eventually accept it. I'm not saying in the slightest that I WANT to die. I'm just saying that I know its a reality and I am willing to face that.
In the mean time, I will TRY to be happy, positive and perky. I will try to live life the way I want. I will enjoy my kids, my husband, my friends and the rest of my family with the same attitude I always have. Now that treatment is over with it will likely be a lot easier.
In other news, I am back to work at the end of the month. Its a job that I don't really want at a call center for Rogers (ya... I hate those people too and now I am going to be one of them LOL). But I think it will be a nice change for me. I really am looking forward to getting out of the house and meeting new people and getting back to a regular schedule. I know that a job is what you make of it, so I am going to start prepping myself and make myself feel like this IS the job I want and it can lead me to something greater.
Also, I had my jury duty date changed, so now I will be going in next Monday and it should be an interesting day. I hear the selection is a long and boring process and I should bring some books. I went to the library and checked out "Buddha Mom: The Path of Mindful Mothering" by Jacqueline Kramer. I have no idea if its any good so I will start reading it this week. It looks interesting though.
Anywho, off to feed the kiddos and maybe go play in the snow.
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